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13 Things to Do with All That Leftover Fruitcake

It’s the most reviled of holiday treats: The fruitcake. Why, oh why is this dense, seasonal concoction the object of such hatred and scorn during the most wonderful time of the year? After all, it’s a cake (yum), filled with nuts (yum), fruit (yum), sugar (yum), and rum (which rhymes with yum, so you know it’s good).
Okay, so not everyone hates fruitcake. In fact, it’s got some high-profile fans: Prince William and Kate Middleton celebrated their April 2011 nuptials with a wedding cake made of fruitcake — but royals aside, the standard dessert is mostly a punchline come Christmas.
So, once the presents are opened and and tables are cleared — and you’re left with a mound of leftover fruitcake, with nary a Prince William in sight to scoop up the stuff — what should you do with your fruitcakey abundance? We’ve got some ideas:

  • Grind it up and use it as environmentally friendly confetti on New Year’s Eve.
  • Hoist it over your head for killer tricep curls.
  • Build an addition on your house, as Pee-wee Herman did on Pee-wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special.
  • Paperweight.
  • Doorstop.
  • Paperweight-shaped doorstop.
  • Stick a glowstick in it and sell it on Craigslist as a Star Wars limited-edition Christmas fruitcake lightsaber.
  • Put a coat on it and stick it in the passenger seat of your car so you can drive in the HOV lane.
  • Draw cat ears on it and put a video of it on YouTube. (Everyone loves cats.)
  • Use the slices for hockey pucks.
  • Stick your smartphone in one end and turn it into an incredibly heavy, ineffective selfie stick.
  • If you actually own a real selfie stick, eat the fruitcake as punishment.
  • Or, give it to Toni Braxton — she genuinely likes fruitcake.


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