Love ’em or hate ’em, zombies are everywhere. Figuratively speaking, of course. But they are, indeed, everywhere; they’re on TV (such as AMC’s massive hit, The Walking Dead, while the CW’s iZombie is a hit with critics and viewers alike, holding a whopping 92% on ratings aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes); they’re regularly in movie theaters; they even took over South Jersey for an afternoon (thanks to the annual Asbury Park Zombie Walk). Is this the zombie apocalypse?
But what if real zombies were everywhere — and the Garden State became the Groaning State, full of undead hordes searching for brains?
If walkers come staggering by — don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Grab your weapon of choice and head to one of the following seven locations to make your final stand against the undead!
A smart survivalist knows that high population density is a bad thing in the zombie apocalypse. So go where the zombies won’t be: Corbin City, the state’s least populated city. If you’re worried about provisions, Corbin City is just a short run to shore towns like Ocean City and Avalon. And Corbin City sits on the edge of the Tuckahoe Wildlife Management Area, right by the Pine Barrens, so you can let the Jersey Devil pick off any advancing undead. (What, you believe in zombies but not the Jersey Devil?)
Six Flags Great Adventure
Sure, going to an amusement park didn’t turn out so well for the heroes from Zombieland, but Great Adventure is just a bit more high-tech than the film’s Pacific Playland. The Jackson park boasts state of-the-art-security systems, first-aid centers, and plenty of food and drink stands to raid. Don’t forget about the midway games, where you can test your aim without wasting bullets — or take a nap in a pile of teddy bears, which makes that whole “apocalypse” thing sound almost worth it. Plus: You’re surrounded by the safari, and we don’t think walkers will fare too well opposite lions and tigers.
We’re not suggesting you hole up in just any Walmart. Oh, no: A true zombie survivalist needs to head to the North Bergen location. Boasting 217,240-square-feet of space, this Walmart is the largest in New Jersey — and an ideal location to ride out the apocalypse (once you board up the windows, that is). Swing by the garden center to grab seeds for your rooftop garden. Pick off walkers with guns from the hunting section. And, of course, relax a recliner in the furniture section and watch seasons of The Walking Dead on DVD. That is, until the power goes out.
It’s a common trope in zombie movies to have the local army base become overrun with the undead, but that’s only because zombies in camo and riot gear look, well, really cool. Let’s face it: You’d have to be pretty far into an apocalypse to have 60-square-miles of Army, Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard officers caught off guard by a hoard of the undead. McGuire Air Force Base is part of Fort Dix — the colloquial name for Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst, a massive compound south of Trenton — so if a zombie hoard does take you by surprise, you can always take to the skies and escape.
The Park Savoy
Look, if you’re going to be stranded somewhere during the zombie apocalypse, you may as well end up somewhere lovely. This Florham Park landmark is just that, offering gorgeous grounds for jogging (gotta keep up that cardio!), a gated front (gotta stay safe!), a secure mansion (gotta sleep sometime — it might as well be in a mansion!), a full kitchen (gotta eat — it might as well be gourmet!) and a full bar (gotta be honest: It’s the apocalypse. You’ll need a drink.).
General Mills Plant
The Vineland complex churns outs an estimated 28 million cases of Progresso soup annually, so even the heartiest eaters will find their appetites sated at the plant. It sits on a remote stretch of road that’s just a short run away from the Cumberland Mall, so if you get sick of soup — or want to pick up some Cucumber Melon body lotion from Bath and Body Works, you won’t have to travel too far.
The Fun Ghoul Costume Co.
If there’s one thing we learned from Shaun of the Dead, it’s that acting undead is enough to hide from the zombies that lurk in the streets. And, of course, in Zombieland — spoiler! — Bill Murray dons special effects makeup to hit the links for a game of golf. So if your zombies follow this canon, hide inside this Rutherford costume shop, apply a little grease paint, and — voila! — you’re off for a bite-free day cavorting around N.J.